So, we'd managed to get entangled in kissing (or 'making out' as some folks still say) and there have been a couple outings that might qualify as 'dates' if you squint a little. What? I've been busy. There hasn't been time for me to arrange formal nights out for dinner or afternoons in for lunch. Maybe after the post-holiday rush of strangely obsessive or weird clients.

No, I don't know why Thanksgiving is big for me. You'd think Halloween, but no, apparently they're getting geared up for Christmas or something. I don't mind, really, it pays the bills.

Though it does feel a bit like I've been neglecting my personal life. I haven't. The personal life part was a bit slow. And it should pick up now that the holiday season is happening.

I don't go much for Christmas presents, but I managed to make a shopping trip and pull together something better than Spaghetti'o's. Not sure if we'll make it to dinner though.

I've been watching him all night, flitting from one group of students to another, like a bee in the flowers. The younger students love him, listen to him, because they can relate to him. Whereas, with me, they're scared. If they listen to me, it's because they're afraid of me. Of what I might do. Not him though. He's not afraid of me at all and I think they respect him for that.

I wish we didn't have to be here at all. I hate funerals and wakes and memorial services. I don't remember my mother's - I was too young - but I was there at my father's. And I hated it. I've been to far too many since then. I want to get the hell out of here. And I want to take someone with me so I can get a drink without looking like a lonely bastard.

I catch his sleeve as he's gliding by - damn, his movements are smooth and easy and watching him turns me on - "Hey, let's get out of here and get a drink. This wake is depressing."

** TESTING X-POSTER **

This entry has DW, LJ and IJ at 'all ages'.

** TESTING X-POSTER **

This post has DW - all ages, LJ - 18+, IJ - all ages.

** TESTING FOR X-POSTER **

This post has DW at 18+, LJ at all ages and IJ at all ages* - straight defaults.



*note: IJ does not have the age-restriction elements in place.

Sitting at home, reading. Not much going on tonight, which is fine by me.

So, it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm sitting here in my office and I have no clients. I've been through my mail three times. And I've just finished off my last paperback. I need to restock my box of books.

I look at my watch - two minutes have passed since the last time I looked. This is going to be a long afternoon.

Previous!Other!Harry - he was afraid of eveyrthing... no, really, nearly everything. All b/c of Justin. I mean, the guy lost his family by the time he was 8, then was taken in by a child molester who taught through fear - 'do this (do this right) or you will be punished severely' - so he was afraid to screw up, afraid of 'being bad', but he was also, only really taught 'dark' magic. He never got that positive influence from McCoy, so he didn't know he had any other choice.

Then, when he was sent to other!M'ways, he started to get some of it, but he was still VERY hesitant to let ppl in - since the only ppl who'd been let in before either were dead or had hurt him. He had SERIOUS trust issues and never WANTED anyone to get close, but those persistant bastards at the bar just HAD to make him take a look at things differently.

Not that that's bad - he just wasn't mentally stable enough to handle it - it all came on a little too fast for his damaged psyche to handle. Especially once he discovered he actually knew how to love someone - that scared the hell out of him, b/c he always had that fear that Justin was right there waiting to punish him for doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. More than that though, he was afraid of being alone - so when he then fell in love with Bethany, he didn't want to give up David, b/c he was afraid of being left alone if one or the other decided they didn't want him anymore. He thought he needed a 'back-up' - even after he told David they couldn't be together anymore.

And he really tried to make the relationship with Bethany work, but when it got rocky - he didn't know what to do. He honestly never expected Bethany to dump him after one mistake, that he didn't feel was entirely his fault. He just didn't understand how the relationship was supposed to work. His only knowledge of romantic relationships came from the books he read - and ppl in those made mistakes all the time, but still go to keep the relationship - it was all he knew and it really upset him that instead of teaching him, she left him to try to figure it out on his own - and he just couldn't do it.

There are layers -

the first is faded, very faded, it's the life that was - who Harry was before he left to come back as that snarky seven-year-old boy. It's hard to see, but still there - all of the things he still has to deal with that will be more visible later.

the next is the boy who loves his father. (This is the boy Greg first met.) He loves his dad and loves helping him, working with him. He's a happy child, living a happy life.

then there's the orphan. His life is hard, but despite all of what he has to go through, he's still a relatively happy child. His life is frustrating, but instead of burying his head in the sand, he presses on, proving to everyone who doubts him that he can do whatever he wants, be whatever he wants to be, no matter what they say or do.

and there's the magician, the stage performer, the professional. It's hard work, but he loves it. He makes people smile, makes them happy and that's important. It reminds him of his dad. There are the twinges of pain from the relationship woes, but most of the pieces around Jeffrey are happy too. In here, there is also the warm feelings from the relationship with Greg. Greg makes him feel safe, makes him happy.

finally, the wizard. The most recent layer, thus the most vivid. This is who he is. He's a wizard and he's powerful. More powerful than even he knows yet and he's got a decent control on the power he does have. There's the shadow of Justin's death, but even that is clouded over by the confidence. Harry knows he can handle himself in a fight and he knows his magic will work and that he has friends on the Council who will back him. That confidence is what wasn't there before - it won't be seen in that faded layer.

Harry's a wizard, but there's more. He's also a very broken little boy, tortured, molested, full of pain. And from this broken boy, emerged an angry, sad, lonely man. He's not intrinsically evil - he wasn't born that way, he was raised that way.

There is rage - at Justin, at what he did, at what he made Harry do; at Justin's other students who abandoned him because he learned to fend for himself; at the White Council for turning their backs on him and not stepping in when they knew what Justin was and what he was doing; at Elaine - (whom he knows, but never loved) - because she's helping the Council.

There is, buried deep, the secret, the side he uses, but doesn't show - a part of why the Council sent him - manipulation. He can manipulate people into doing things. That's how Justin was killed in the battle against the vampires. Harry manipulated Justin into working his way further into the battle - used Justin's arrogance to force him to do stupid things - and it got him killed. The Council could never prove that Harry had done anything, but Harry knows he did it.

And - the time he almost killed Michael (Gabriel) - only he wasn't actually there, he was working 'remotely' and controlling the demon; he almost killed Michael.

And the time he nearly killed Elaine, who was helping some wizards from the White Council hunt vampires. That resulted in the death of one wizard - not directly Harry's doing, which is why he wasn't executed. He was sent to Milliways instead.

There is also the tiny part (that grows larger with each passing day), buried way back, deep in the corner of his soul, that is beginning to care for Stephen and David and Adam and Bethany... maybe others. Harry would have - before - sooner admitted to having Justin killed than to having any kind of 'feelings' for anyone. Slowly, very very slowly, this is changing.